Life is weird.
When you look back, you never think that you will end up where you find yourself.
Someone finds their way into your life and into you heart, and you start to see your life going in a certain direction, and you get comfortable with it. You start to see things clearer, you hope, you plan, you dream. Then circumstances change. They tell you that they aren’t in love with you and it feels like your heart has just been ripped out, and all of your hopes come crashing down. You’re left with this gaping hole in your body and your life, that seems like it will never heal.
I came across a draft of a post that I never published, and it made me think. I’m not sure what stopped me from finishing my thoughts and posting it at the time, however as I read it, in light of recent events, I can’t help but wish I had listened to my own wisdom.
I will insert it here :)
I expect a lot from people. Too much.
This isn’t a passive aggressive move.
I had a realization, in the midst of tears from a day where my expectations had been violated, that I expect people to serve me. To be there for me when I need them, to love me, to care for me, to bring me flowers, to be full of surprises, and to show me how they feel about me. And that I, should just get to sit back and rake in all the lovin’.
Somehow that just didn’t seem right…
I asked myself this evening if my perception is reality. As I thought “njrgniejbrgiBGERGERSFwfqef….why doesn’t he know I want to hear from him right now?? I guess he has more important things to do…” I caught myself. I manipulate myself into thinking that I am a victim in situations where I feel undervalued. However, that feeling comes from my own selfish expectations of wanting this other person to be God for me. Which of course will leave me unsatisfied. People aren’t perfect.
A man can never love me perfectly. I can never love a man perfectly.
I asked myself what this all was for. Imperfect people show other imperfect people how imperfect we all are.
We sharpen one another as we pursue Christ in our weaknesses. And as I see God use imperfect people to change the world around them, I see those imperfect people change too, and the more I am encouraged and have hope, that one day, I too, will be refined. I will love better, I will pursue others better, I will be more understanding, and will be able to discern when I am lying to myself.
It won’t be so devastating when people hurt me. Because God is a perfect lover, and His love fills in all the cracks left from myself and others. I tell myself, and you, that I want to love selflessly.I think that is something that Christians say a lot. “Lord teach me how to love like You love, I want to love others with no strings attached.” I too have prayed that prayer. Call me a cynic, but that is a scary freaking prayer. That means that you are asking God to bring people into your life that you will love, that won’t love you back. That means that there will be people in your life that are really difficult to love. That means that you will get hurt and frustrated, and self righteous, because when you get hurt, or if someone is asking too much from you, you now have to put up boundaries.
I don’t know where that post was supposed to be going…haha…
Anyway, there are lots of reasons couples who are great together break up, and I think that one huge reason I was blindsided by this was because I neglected my spiritual and emotional health. My boyfriend became my god, and frankly, I liked my boyfriend and didn’t care whether or not that was good for me. I made my needs and desires more important than his needs and desires. I stifled him. I made him feel like a jerk for not being ready to marry me. No wonder he broke up with me, that is far too much pressure for any one person to handle. Albeit, these things were all done unintentionally, and there were things that I feel he did wrong in the relationship as well, like I said relationships end for a host of reasons. But I refuse to do myself the disservice of casting the blame all on him just because he’s the one that technically did the breaking up, and neglecting myself of the self-reflection and growth that needs to happen in my life.
I don’t know when the shift happened. When boyfriend became the most important relationship in my life. Even more important than my relationship with myself. But I regret that day. It was the day that I doomed my relationship to fail. I know it seems contradictory to what I just said, how can I be selfish, and also neglect myself? I have no idea, but here we are.
Now that it’s over, I look back and realize that I haven’t played guitar in a year, and I have lost half of my vocal range. I don’t go to concerts or art shows or explore new places. I don’t take pictures or sit in a coffee shop and read for hours anymore. I don’t write anymore or even journal. And it’s not that he stifled these things in me, I think I just lost myself, and honestly, I think he saw that I wasn’t the girl that he fell for in the beginning, and that he couldn’t be what he thought I wanted.
In reality, I wanted someone that could pull me out of darkness. Remind me of who I am, and not let me be content with stagnation. I’m pretty sure that person can only be God.
There are so many things I wish were different. But all I can do is keep breathing and make the most out of what I am given, right?