I know that on thanksgiving I should be in a more thankful mood, and I am extremely thankful for the blessings that the Lord has given me. I can’t even describe how grateful I am of the things/people I have in my life.
I guess I should be thankful that I am single, that I don’t have to worry about having to pour myself out more to some needy boy after a long day of pouring myself out to people who can’t dress themselves.
But not gonna lie, it would be kinda nice to have someone around to care that I sleep on an air mattress or kill the spiders/ginormous bugs that inhabit this state or will want to know when I get off work so that we can go get coffee or watch a movie or hold hands, that will help me scout out thrift stores for cool furniture and picture frames.
I know that discontentment with one’s life stage is a common phenomenon and that it comes in waves, sometimes its calm and nice to float around in, other times its crashes on top of you and forces you underwater.
I used to think that I was a bad christian for being lonely and wanting a relationship. I thought that it meant that I wasn’t trusting God to provide for me. Now I don’t think I am a bad christian, I think I am a person. We are wired to relate, to know others and be known. So because I am wired this way, and I know that God is good, He will provide. Whether that means I get married and have 10 kids or if that means I never get married and have no kids. God will provide what I need.
But how do you fight those feelings and lies creep up?
- Since everyone around me is moving forward, what is wrong with me that I can’t move forward yet?
- Why do you even want someone that close? Every guy you’ve let in that close has left you broken and feeling used anyways…you don’t need anyone, he’ll just use you.
- No one would want you, you are a failure at life. If you couldn’t catch someone’s eye in college it sure as hell won’t happen now, you don’t even know anyone out here…
That still, small voice that once so clear has become drowned out by these lies. I feel like I could once see truth so clearly in my life. When things went wrong, or I felt crappy about life or something, I could easily recognize where the issue was stemming from. I see patterns in situations, how multiple symptoms can connect to one core problem, solve the core issue the symptoms take care of themselves.
Maybe I don’t want to see the core issue, feeling bad for myself is somewhat gratifying. Although I know that it won’t fix anything and I won’t feel better in the long run, in fact I will feel worse.
What happens if I get to a point where I don’t care about seeking truth? What if I become a statistic, one of those christians who was excited about Jesus through college, but once out in the real world their faith gets smashed by the cruelty of the world and their own selfishness?
I know that God is real, I have experienced Him in real ways. I trust that His Word is true and that He loves me. Sometimes I just forget.
For the past two days, I have been listening to Ceremonials by Florence + The Machine. The album pulls at my heart, as I listen to it I feel deep things in me begin to release, I think about things that I am afraid to bring out into the light. Although I don’t really know what inspired any of these songs, and I have no idea where Florence Welch lies on the spiritual spectrum, but she sings the groanings of my soul, even if the lyrics are not exactly how I am feeling, it makes me face my bitterness and selfishness. Is that weird? I feel like I have such a deep connection to music, I can’t describe it really. But anyways I wanna share a line in one of the songs off the album…
But in order to get to the heart, I think sometimes you’ll have to cut through, but you can’t. We will carry, we will carry you there. Just keep following the heartlines on your hand.
If you don’t make the connection, I can’t describe it in words well. For me, its like, things suck, and you have to stick it through. But you aren’t alone, just keep following what you know. Sorta. But more so. The feeling I feel is like music in my head that I can’t communicate.
I’m rambling now.
